cloudsintowater

I am lost, floating around in an endless sea of possibilities and yet feeling disapointed with the way things have played out in terms of my age and accomplishments.  It seems like everyone I knew in high school is now done with college as I just am beginning to think about going back.  I feel like it is too late for me to accomplish anything in my life and I am only 23.   It is a lonely, scary feeling.  I feel like I have let my family and myself down, I am by no means stupid, I have just lacked focus and have had no motivation.  I want to go back, but how will I afford it? How will this work? I have no idea what I want to do, I just know that I need to do something, I don't want to amount to nothing and that is the way I see my life going right now.  I am terrified of this, beyond anything....I hate the thought of just "going back" because I will have to dive into debt and I just am so lost as to where I should turn, I feel so hopelessly lost...

Although I am behind a lot on my life, I feel so free and liberated.  I feel as if I am getting my life back on track and my interests in doing things are slowly returning, such as art, photography, and all around interacting with other humans.  I want to look back into school, I want to make something of myself, I want to clean the house haha! MY life is mine again, and as I once felt lost in a sea of familiar faces, blending into the dull background, I can shine once again.  I can be me, I can carry on a conversation with someone that does not just include small talk because my identity has been lost in caring for someone else.  People can dig all they want and they will just get me, and I am 90% happy.  I still have a few issues that need to work out but, I have never been this content in life before, or this happy that I am in my own skin.  My job is still dead end although I do make alright money...I am looking into school, I wanted to start right away but I am not sure if I am ready yet, however every day that passes I feel  more and more like that is what I  need.  I have endured hell the last four years, now i will not take it anymore.  It has made me a stronger person and I refuse to be taken advantage of like that ever again.  Before anything else I am me, and I complete myself as a person.  I thank the godess everyday that I learned that life lesson at 22, while I am young enough to appreciate it.  <3

well, here I am at a new stage in my life...massive changes are happening and I am comfortable with this.  Although, work at the moment is stressful...i am dealing with it.  I have found myself in a more adult life then the one I left 4 years ago, i feel like i stepped through a door and the last 4 years where just gone.  No one can tell me what it is like to be a single mother.  I spent 4 years of my life caring for another human and making him my world, now all I get from him are insults and mistreatment, put me down for knowing what having a teenage child is like.  I don't care anymore though...I am back into art and writing.  I am me again, it seems..
I am not going to gush as I did previously but there is a new man in my life now, and it seems promising.  <3

Procrastination, to be perfectly honest I know no one but myself and David will ever lay eyes on this journal and even if one does I am not likely to totally expose myself as I have done in the various other livejournal accounts I have had.  Those days I was way to honest with everyone around me and willing to proclaim my love, my fears, my everything on an open forum...how naive of me.  And seriously, had I ever heard of spell check? Although I have never prided myself on my spelling, it is embarrassing especially when you have spell check at your disposal, how teenager of me.  All in all things have been going alright...I have realized how long I have been away from normal human contact and expression following the past 4 years of my life and have started anew.  I am planning on going back to college now that I know what is expected of me and I am not a lonely heartbroken child.  I have grown up a great deal these last 4 years without me knowing it.
I thank the goddess for every lesson I have learned, and know there are many to come.  Hopefully I will be able to express myself a little more freely here...I think it may just take a little while for me to warm to the whole LJ thing again.